Setting Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries serve to let people know how we want to be treated. You’re allowed to decide what works for you, what doesn’t and how you’re available to friends and family. You’re allowed to say no, and ask for what you want. Some people might resist. You’re still allowed to state your needs and expectations. Here are some highlights of setting healthy boundaries:

Trust your feelings: If you feel that a situation isn’t working for you, trust that gut feeling. You are the ultimate authority on what works in your life and what you’re available for.

Be specific: Be specific when stating your boundary. This eliminates any expectation of mind-reading on the part of the recipient. State it calmly, firmly, honestly and kindly.

Speak directly to the source: Rather than going to someone else to vent about your boundary violation with someone else, go directly to the person who has violated your boundary. The healthiest way to set a boundary is to go direct and speak your truth.

State your truth firmly but kindly: Use a kind and business tone. There’s no need to get confrontational the first time you tell someone what your boundary is. That helps them feel respected, while you’re expressing your needs and expectations.

Healthy boundaries are event specific: Set your boundary as soon as you feel the situation isn’t working for you, before becoming angry and resentful. The longer time passes before delivering a healthy boundary, the less effective your boundary setting will be.

Own your feelings: Use “I” statements and own your own preferences, feelings and request. "You" statements generally turn into blaming or accusing. For example: “I feel uncomfortable discussing anyone who isn't here to speak for themselves. Can we please just talk about you and me?" Or simply, “I’m not available for that.” or “It doesn’t work for me when you come by without calling first. I'd appreciate it if you’d call to make sure it’s a good time.”

Don’t apologize, story tell, or blame: This is your boundary, you’re allowed to have it (see first tip). You’re allowed to set expectations about what you are, and are not, available for, and how you want to be treated. Apologizing and explaining gives the impression you’re not sure what you want. It makes it appear that you’re not sure you deserve to be treated the way you want to be treated. It also undermines your authority and makes it easier to people to feel they can ignore your boundary.

Yes, it’s true that setting boundaries can disrupt relationships. Saying no can be hard if you’re not used to it. Indeed, some people may resist. You may have to set the same boundary more than once. But it’s important to stick with it. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

Procrastinators and Planners - A Balancing Act

She is up at five A.M., has completed an asana yoga routine, re-scheduled all her meetings including vacation time over the next three months, jogged two miles, showered, and answered twenty emails before eight o’clock in the morning.

He sleeps until ten o’clock, and wakes up slowly while drooping his upper lip over the rim of his coffee cup. Next he squints to try to remember which brushfire was blazing the most out of control, and then logs in to catch up on his favorite web blog since there seems to be nothing big that needs to happen real soon.

“Don’t worry honey, I’ve planned every detail of our big trip,” she says.

“Well now, aren’t you the one?” he quips.

”Yes, I am the one and whatever would you do without me?” she asks.

”I’d sit here naked, cold and hungry in the dark until you came back,” he said in a serious tone.”

If you are an adept planner, chances are you are in a relationship with an accomplished procrastinator. Yes, it’s true. We are naturally attracted to individuals who are different from us because this is the secret spice that keeps the relationship exciting. We are naturally attracted to individuals who have strengths which we are missing. It is often an unconscious quest for that delicate relationship balance. Not only do opposites simply attract each other, they form a pattern of balancing out the strengths and weaknesses of each other. If one partner ever made a sudden change from being a planner to a procrastinator, or vice versa, the other partner would unconsciously shift their behavior over to the flip side to keep the balance.

Over time, relationships start to feel like an overly comfortable and slightly worn pair of shoes. This is when couples have the stark realization that their beloved is never going to magically morph into whoever they think they should have become by now. This realization can fill relationship partners with dissatisfaction and resentment.

If persistent squabbles amount to more than the zing that attracted you to each other in the first place, here are some helpful suggestions for smoothing out some of those annoying relationship kinks.

Make an appointment with a reputable couple’s counselor to help sort things out. After the first session, you will both discover that what you’re dealing with is just typical relationship stuff, and you both actively choose it for a very good reason. Just like a sea-saw has one person at each end, or the ride is no fun, you will begin to see that this is maybe how relationships work. Now, with this important inner knowledge about relationship dynamics, you can skip scheduling that second appointment.

Or going to www.NextAvailable.com is always a workable solution since it has the unique ability of pleasing both the artful planner and skilled procrastinator at the same time. One of you will gratefully rely on the delivery of NextAvailable's last-minute services, while the other is able to plan every business detail ahead for up to thirty days in advance. This is the one club you can both be 100% committed to, despite your differences.

Maybe you'll take a jaunt over to www.eHarmony.com and take a personality test. The results may give you more insight into your own key personality traits, as well as those of your perfect match. Don't be surprised if you discover that your perfect match and you have been glaring at each other every morning over breakfast for the past fifteen or twenty years.

Bone up on some Structured Procrastination by Philosopher John Perry at www-csli.stanford.edu/~john/procrastination.html. This message is one of hope for Procrastinators everywhere. It actually walks you through the process of "planned" procrastination. If ever a middle-ground was reached, this would be the one.

It's no mystery that each partner definitely knows which position they hold in the relationship dynamic, and which approach their mate takes. Like skilled acrobatic tumblers, each partner knows every step in the routine, and if one is missed, or changed on short notice, the balancing act may falter. The truth is they both secretly prefer it this way, and oh, what a grand performance it is!

Untamed

I've heard her in the midnight hours

That sibilant, mangy mouser

The felon of garbage-strewn alleyways

Crying in deserted streets

Poor girl, poor girl, seems like her world

Is consumed by strangers.

Does this skaggy mystery seek a home?

I know her heart so often loves to roam

Or does she dream of sprawling over

Plump silk pillows near the fireside

With hands to pour her milk warm

And softly stroke her head until she sleeps?

I've watched her pull her main street capers

Arched back to that officious town house cat

With fearless eyes, she pranced around in circles

Poised to pounce if it should come to that

Till restless padded feet carried her away

Forsaking all she thought she had to prove anyway.

Curious creature is this crafty feline

To live contented in her bare existence

Searching out a dry spot in a doorway

Huddled in a ball to wait the night out

Resting for the early morning food hunt

Her wanderlusting nature left untamed.